Overwhelming Fear and Love
by Raven-Rach
Summary: Oneshot Fax. "Have you ever felt so much overpowering emotion at once that you feel sick? Emotions that you convince yourself are fear as opposed to love? But how long can you live in denial?"


_Just some musings from Max's point of view on her and Fang. Hope you enjoy it, feel free to review =P_

**Disclaimer- the plot is mine but Maximum Ride still belongs to JP... unfortunately...**

Have you ever felt so much overpowering emotion at once that you feel sick? So many feelings that you can't even try to figure which ones they are- fear, joy, pain, anxiousness, longing… so much so that you don't have butterflies in your stomach but a whole battalion of Erasers? (Just a note for the unenlightened- Erasers are huge wolf men that are super scary, super strong and super evil.) Well, I have.

It gets so bad that at times that I feel like I am drowning in it all. At these times I don't know whether to scream, sob or laugh. But I don't do any of them- I am the Leader, you see. Impromptu displays of emotion are not part of the job description. They never were and never will be. Then again, whenever I feel suckish there are always two people- things? to talk me down. The first to intervene is usually the irritating voice in my head… you don't want to know- trust me. And then Fang makes his presence known.

Ah Fang. The root of many of my undecipherable emotions. Fang, by the way, despite how it would sound is not my pet rottweiler or the pleasant bat that lives in my basement. No, Fang is in actual fact a person. Well…. Kind of… Fang is a bird-kid like me. We have some birdie DNA as it happens- wings and all! Cool, eh? Yeah… you would think so wouldn't you.

Well, anyway, Fang- Mr. Tall, Dark and Silent Bird Kid - is my best friend. More then that he is my Second in Command and my Rock. He may also be the object of my crushing affections but I would never admit it. I just don't do that. Frankly, Fnick drives me crazy. (Fnick being another name for Fang, once again for the unenlightened.) You see, Fnick has on occasion tried to kiss me… but I always kind of ran away. Suave, eh? What can I say- the crazy feelings that tore me apart got the best of me and I just needed to escape.

It's not that I don't love him… it's that I'm afraid. And hell, if you dare tell anyone any of this I will come and kick your behind from here to next Thursday! And don't doubt for one second that I can't do it, 'cause I so can. I'm a genetically engineered bird kid- I can crush you. I guess I should feel lucky- I'm a mutant but Fang still likes me. But I don't… I'm just scared. I can stare a crazy megalomaniac in the eye and sass them, I can fight down a horde of machines designed to target me and kill my family too- but I can't look into my best friend's eyes without terror rearing its ugly head. I'm kind of messed up, amn't I? Don't worry; you can say it, I figured out as much many years ago.

I shouldn't be afraid but I am.

Fang is always there. He comforts me. He wipes away my tears. He notices when I'm hurt and everyone else just moves on. He helps me. If I am the mother to our Flock, then it goes without saying that he is the father. He stands beside me when I have to make the hard decisions. When I fall down, he carries me. He is the only one I can rely on.

But it scares me that I do rely on him. It terrifies me to the bone and makes me shiver. Because he could go away… and he has. He left and I was broken. My heart didn't rip into two- it was shredded into smithereens and incinerated before a sumo wrestler stamped on the ashes.

Not only that, but I need to be independent. Emotion can't cloud my judgement at any time because it could end up killing us all. I need to be level-headed and impartial but every time I look into his eyes my stomach churns and I feel like I need to hurl and run into the horizon… or into his arms. I always take the horizon. Yet, I'm scared that I will always chose the horizon. Most of all though, I'm petrified that someday I'll pick his embrace.

So tonight I will sit by the fire and let the blazing flames warm my cold heart. I will feel confused, torn and afraid. And the only one that will notice is him. He will silently outstretch his arms and I will silently turn away. Then another fear will rise up in my heart- will I ever push him too far? Will he give up on me?

So many feelings tear me up inside. I don't even know what most of them are… but the predominant one is fear. Fear that it might be love… because I don't think that even I can be stubborn enough to resist that for much longer.

And thus we come to the source of all the heartache and troublesome emotions. The root of all the plaguing nausea.

Maximum Ride is filled with fear because she thinks she is in love with her best friend. …… just don't tell anyone… especially Fang.


End file.
